Half Empty, Half Full

Hay!!!! Tapos n ang 3-day long weekend, back to normal n nman. After spending 2 days in a beach resort in San Antonio, Zambales with my friends, balik n nman aq s polluted n city, siksikang LRT, maingay n lansangan at nkakapressure n mghapong trabaho . Well, after my recent post my follow up p pla dito. Siyam (9) kaming magkakasama, c “Dianne” , ung sis nya, ung cuzin nyang "hal-filipino-half filipina", ung clsm8 nmin n kauuwi lng from Greece, ung clsm8 qng lalaki ksama ung barkada nmin n GF nya, and sympre ung driver w/ his wife. Kasama c “Dianne” so half-empty, half-full (pwede ring so empty, so fool) ung satisfaction ko. Nandyan nga sya pero may iba n xa . Ayoko xang makita pero imagine kung wla cya, wla ring kwenta, grrrrr… azarrrrr… gulo!!! Saturday night kmi umalis from Bulacan so we arrived exactly at 12:00 am of Sunday. Nipa hut ung tinuluyan nmin, hbang inaayos nmin ung mga gmit nmin, 2mawag ung BF ni “Dianne”. Aq nman, ewan q, prang gs2 qng mg-react (shit tlga, d nman dpat) kya dinaan q n lng s biro. Medyo ngttlo p cla nun so binanatan q ng “What am I Living For” by Eddie Peregrina on the background, hehehe! Lakas tlga ng tama . Kakatuwa... kakainis. D n aq n2log nun. I wanna enjoy the whole night staring at the stars, grabe ganda tlga dun! Ksama q malapit s seashore ung clsm8 qng lalaki. Dun lng aq ngkroon ng o42nity n i-open up ung about kay “Dianne”. Pero prang wala lng . D nka2long. Tlgang cge udyok p cya n 4mahan q n lng, d p nman ksal e. Nyek!!! I’m decided. I want 2 move on and I’m desperately searching 4 sum1 new. Pero bkt gnun, pra syang traumatic figure everytym n khrap q sya. The pain still remains at mas nrrmdaman q kpag nkikita q sya. Pra nya aqng pinkikitaan ng bagay that I never had and I will never have. Pra nya aqng iniingit, tinatakam, at the same time ng-aasar. Nagpapaasar nman aq . Syete tlga, tama na ! The 2nd day, swimming n kmi mghapon. Nandyan ung nnunukso cla pero todo deny p rin kc d q alam, bka iritado cya. At night, ng bonfire p kmi s tabi ng beach. Laro ng truth or consequence. Buti n lng d aq ntaya, bka mapilitan aqng mapaamin. D q lng alam mngyayari qng ngkataon. Ntaya nga c “Dianne”, ntwa tlga aq s pnggagawa nya. D p rin tlga ngbabago. Katuwa p rin, kakatwa p rin (hirap hanapin). After that, knausap aq nung GF ng clsm8 q. May issue kc tlga w/ their relationship kc it’s a May-December relationship. Medyo komplikado nga kya lng hindi na s amin "issue" un dhil ok nman cla tngnan. Kya lng ngkaron ng gap ung relationship nla. Prang ngsasawa n rw ung guy s kanya and madalas png nahuhuli s celphone. So I said, mkpg-break k n lng. Mahirap pero dpat nyang kayanin kaysa nman gnganyan k nya. If he comes back, syo sya, then if not, tlgang ganun, maybe hnd tlga “kayo”. She replied, “Mahirap mka-recover”. That was the time my tears silently fell down my face, shit tlga! kalalaking tao, nauna pang umiyak ! Naalala q n nman un SAKIT. Ngpaiwan sya mg-isa. So balik aq dun s bahay, 2log n ung iba. The rest nsa bed, while ”Dianne”,ng-iisa s bedsheet s sahig. D muna aq n2log. Gs2 ko kc, com4able ung 2log nya. D q kc alam ung anong nsa utak nya qng tatabi p aq. Hrap din, I’m now protecting her against myself. Hayun s labas aq n2log. D p rin kc nwawala ung respect ko s nging decision nya. I trust her, alam ko n msaya sya ngaun. D aq dpat makialam. Pero bkit playing guilty p rin aq? Cguro I must admit it, d p rin 2tally nwawala ung feelings q pra s knya. Babawi n lng cguro kpag I can play the role n pinangako q s kanya; “a real friend”. Then hnanap na ng clsm8 ko ung GF nya so tinuro q qng nsan pra nman they can talk those things out. Mya-maya, gngcing n aq ng clsm8 q, iniwan nya lng daw sandali ung GF nya bgla n lng dw nawala kya 12:19 am of Monday, madilim, umaambon p, dala q lng is celphone as light, nghahanap kmi s seashore. Inaalala q, bka ngpalunod n un s dagat . Un kaagad ung pumasok s icip q. Kc mahirap ung pnagdadaanan nya, and I may do the same thing. Naikot q n ung buong beach, pero wla aqng nkta. Pgbalik q, nandun cla s cottage, 2log ung GF nya kya d q na inusisa until the next day, d kc alam nung mga ksama s bahay ung ngyari. Hanggng ngaun nga d p rin sya nttnong e.

Di ko n alm kc qng ano ngyyari s kin e. Ayaw ko n s knya, kc gus2 ko p rin sya ( I mean ayoko n xang mkita kc I want 2 move on and seeing her does’nt help, prang nbabalewala ung pagbabalewla ko s knya. Akala q kya ko n mag-isa pero hnap q p rin sya. Ayaw q n syang mhalin pero d q maiwasan mag-show ng concern s knya khit alam kong wla aqng mpapala. Leche! Ano b?