Half Empty, Half Full

Hay!!!! Tapos n ang 3-day long weekend, back to normal n nman. After spending 2 days in a beach resort in San Antonio, Zambales with my friends, balik n nman aq s polluted n city, siksikang LRT, maingay n lansangan at nkakapressure n mghapong trabaho . Well, after my recent post my follow up p pla dito. Siyam (9) kaming magkakasama, c “Dianne” , ung sis nya, ung cuzin nyang "hal-filipino-half filipina", ung clsm8 nmin n kauuwi lng from Greece, ung clsm8 qng lalaki ksama ung barkada nmin n GF nya, and sympre ung driver w/ his wife. Kasama c “Dianne” so half-empty, half-full (pwede ring so empty, so fool) ung satisfaction ko. Nandyan nga sya pero may iba n xa . Ayoko xang makita pero imagine kung wla cya, wla ring kwenta, grrrrr… azarrrrr… gulo!!! Saturday night kmi umalis from Bulacan so we arrived exactly at 12:00 am of Sunday. Nipa hut ung tinuluyan nmin, hbang inaayos nmin ung mga gmit nmin, 2mawag ung BF ni “Dianne”. Aq nman, ewan q, prang gs2 qng mg-react (shit tlga, d nman dpat) kya dinaan q n lng s biro. Medyo ngttlo p cla nun so binanatan q ng “What am I Living For” by Eddie Peregrina on the background, hehehe! Lakas tlga ng tama . Kakatuwa... kakainis. D n aq n2log nun. I wanna enjoy the whole night staring at the stars, grabe ganda tlga dun! Ksama q malapit s seashore ung clsm8 qng lalaki. Dun lng aq ngkroon ng o42nity n i-open up ung about kay “Dianne”. Pero prang wala lng . D nka2long. Tlgang cge udyok p cya n 4mahan q n lng, d p nman ksal e. Nyek!!! I’m decided. I want 2 move on and I’m desperately searching 4 sum1 new. Pero bkt gnun, pra syang traumatic figure everytym n khrap q sya. The pain still remains at mas nrrmdaman q kpag nkikita q sya. Pra nya aqng pinkikitaan ng bagay that I never had and I will never have. Pra nya aqng iniingit, tinatakam, at the same time ng-aasar. Nagpapaasar nman aq . Syete tlga, tama na ! The 2nd day, swimming n kmi mghapon. Nandyan ung nnunukso cla pero todo deny p rin kc d q alam, bka iritado cya. At night, ng bonfire p kmi s tabi ng beach. Laro ng truth or consequence. Buti n lng d aq ntaya, bka mapilitan aqng mapaamin. D q lng alam mngyayari qng ngkataon. Ntaya nga c “Dianne”, ntwa tlga aq s pnggagawa nya. D p rin tlga ngbabago. Katuwa p rin, kakatwa p rin (hirap hanapin). After that, knausap aq nung GF ng clsm8 q. May issue kc tlga w/ their relationship kc it’s a May-December relationship. Medyo komplikado nga kya lng hindi na s amin "issue" un dhil ok nman cla tngnan. Kya lng ngkaron ng gap ung relationship nla. Prang ngsasawa n rw ung guy s kanya and madalas png nahuhuli s celphone. So I said, mkpg-break k n lng. Mahirap pero dpat nyang kayanin kaysa nman gnganyan k nya. If he comes back, syo sya, then if not, tlgang ganun, maybe hnd tlga “kayo”. She replied, “Mahirap mka-recover”. That was the time my tears silently fell down my face, shit tlga! kalalaking tao, nauna pang umiyak ! Naalala q n nman un SAKIT. Ngpaiwan sya mg-isa. So balik aq dun s bahay, 2log n ung iba. The rest nsa bed, while ”Dianne”,ng-iisa s bedsheet s sahig. D muna aq n2log. Gs2 ko kc, com4able ung 2log nya. D q kc alam ung anong nsa utak nya qng tatabi p aq. Hrap din, I’m now protecting her against myself. Hayun s labas aq n2log. D p rin kc nwawala ung respect ko s nging decision nya. I trust her, alam ko n msaya sya ngaun. D aq dpat makialam. Pero bkit playing guilty p rin aq? Cguro I must admit it, d p rin 2tally nwawala ung feelings q pra s knya. Babawi n lng cguro kpag I can play the role n pinangako q s kanya; “a real friend”. Then hnanap na ng clsm8 ko ung GF nya so tinuro q qng nsan pra nman they can talk those things out. Mya-maya, gngcing n aq ng clsm8 q, iniwan nya lng daw sandali ung GF nya bgla n lng dw nawala kya 12:19 am of Monday, madilim, umaambon p, dala q lng is celphone as light, nghahanap kmi s seashore. Inaalala q, bka ngpalunod n un s dagat . Un kaagad ung pumasok s icip q. Kc mahirap ung pnagdadaanan nya, and I may do the same thing. Naikot q n ung buong beach, pero wla aqng nkta. Pgbalik q, nandun cla s cottage, 2log ung GF nya kya d q na inusisa until the next day, d kc alam nung mga ksama s bahay ung ngyari. Hanggng ngaun nga d p rin sya nttnong e.

Di ko n alm kc qng ano ngyyari s kin e. Ayaw ko n s knya, kc gus2 ko p rin sya ( I mean ayoko n xang mkita kc I want 2 move on and seeing her does’nt help, prang nbabalewala ung pagbabalewla ko s knya. Akala q kya ko n mag-isa pero hnap q p rin sya. Ayaw q n syang mhalin pero d q maiwasan mag-show ng concern s knya khit alam kong wla aqng mpapala. Leche! Ano b?

She’s already taken… She’s already taken me.

Wla akong idea if a simple advice will help me kung may mkakabasa lng nito. Kamoteng buhay 'to, o. D ko lng tlga alam ggawin ko e . Let me introduce you this 2 girls in my lyf. D 1st one is “Carrie”,6 yrs n kming mgkakilala. I courted her for almost 1 ½ yrs.nging mg-MU lng kmi pero d nging officially “kami”. She’s pretty, mabait & close sya s family q. I stopped courting her 2 yrs ago co’z of my studies(gs2 q kc,she’s free 2 choose hbang npapabayaan q sya dhil s pag-aaral q). I really luvd her & hnd biro hntayin sya for a long tym.But I’d nvr expctd n mgpo-fall aq 4 othrs.Now here comes d 2nd girl. Her name is “Dianne”, classm8 q in college. Mganda xa pero mas ngustuhan ko ung kakulitan nya, saya ksma. She’s the type of girl n mdaling mahalin. Akala q, d lng sya nppansin nun, un pla my heart says “wag mong pansinin yan, masasaktan k lng”. Eh d ko naiwasaan e, sobrang friendly kc e. Hayun, d q n npansin n in-luv n q s knya w/o any warnings. Nging close kmi ng sobra. I used to tell her n gus2 ko, aq mag-iingat sau (kya lng may krugtong n: “gngawa q to dhil friend kta”. Kc mdalas ngkkgust0 s knya ung ibang clssm8 & friends nmin s knya w/c is ayaw nyang ngyayari(pero pag gwapo, nku kinikilig p, kurutin q atay nun e!). Ayoko nmang icpn nya n sasahog p q. 2nd thing is, how can I make her feel safe kung malalaman nyang ung savior nya e may “pagnanasa” pla s knya? Kya I just did anything 4 her w/o asking for any(saya ko no, kababawan? ). So bgo plang mg-graduation, we exchanged letter, and gnamit q un pra gwing official ung friendship nmin, I’v got that special thoughts 4 her with matching drawing n may msg n “Forever Friends”. Gnawa q un pra MABURA n s icp q n somehow bka pwdng mging kmi. Until wla p ytang 1 month after that, cguro May 2004 kc election nun, I called her thru d phone, sympre chika2x lng,friends tayo eh. Kya lng may nsabi sya skin nun e & I nvr xpctd n mngggling p s knya. May dinescribe syang person s kin, mabait daw, caring, gentleman p. On may part, bka ma-aray n nman ako s maririnig ko. So w/o any idea, cge tnong aq kung cno un. She said; “… ikaw un e.” . P*t*ng i*a!!! Sandali lng! d p aq ready! d aq ng-ayos ngaun, d p aq ngtu-toothbrush, d p aq ngmu-mumog! D p aq nag - Ooops! I 4got,we’r over d phone nga pla. On my mind, ntaranta tlga aq, pero as she talked to me, d nya nhalata un dhil ngpatay-malisya aq. E ano nmang gs2ng nyong sabihin q? “Tlga? Gs2 mo q?E aq rin e. I luv u.” Cno nmang mniniwla nun? E aq nga 2ng panay presintang her friend dat she cud always count on, she cud always trust? Bka lumabas p n masyado nman aqng o42nista. Ang nsbi q lng is “Ows, tlga?” I confirmd it also thru txt a day after dat call. Sb nya, “Oo, crush kta, kc ang bait mo skin & I feel vry special kpag ksma kta.”. Then, sb q, special din xa s kin. Pero d q nsb n special xa s kin kc I love her. Ntkot kc aq e.Bka icpin nya o42nista aq.Like I said,dmi kc ngkkgs2 s knya. By that tym, may nanliligaw n pla s knya. Well, GWAPO daw so evrytym n mgkksama kming mgbbrkada,un lgi png-uusapan. Smahan p ng sulsol ng mga pnsan nya. Pra ako n2ng bnbastos ng hrapan.”Parang” lng nman, kc d nman nla alam e(pero ung sakit,nkooopow!araguy!d ko yta kya! ) She also asked us (“us” ha, ksma ako) qng sasagutin n b nya(Aba’t nanadya p yata !pra aqng snampal s mukha ). Until dumating ung bday nya. That was the tym n decided n aq. Ssbihin q n s knya lhat...Na mhal q n sya mtgal n. Na inspired aq bcoz of her.Na it just took tym pra mlaman nya kc msyadong mrming ngmamahal s knya. Na I’m jst here waiting 4 that hope. But evrything seems 2 b UNFORTUNATE pra s kin. Na-meet q na ung guy. D ako mgttka, gwapo nga tlga(kainis,nkkabakla k!) So hayun tukso d2, tukso dun,hbng knkilig p sya.Aray n nman !Pero sympre b-day nya, dpat msya sya. I even join s panunukso. Nkuha q png mgbiro even it just contribute a li’l 2 her happiness. D q n naibigay ung gift q. D q n rin nsb ung mga dpat nyang mlaman.

After that, wala na, wala na, wala na, wala na, wala na….

Wala n qng plano. Wala n qng inicp. Prang wala ng kwenta ang BUHAY(nakhooomPootah! lalim) ya, that’s true.un ung mga nramdaman q that tym. Cge, since I don’t have the ryt 2 give u up, d n lng aq gglaw. I will make it easier 4 u 2 decide. D n lng aq sasahog(wow!ang kapal ng dating q.feeling q nman isa aqng npkalaking hindrance s kanila) basta, Bhla kayo s buhay nyo! Just promise me n mgging msaya k(kung hnd, ggwin qng punchin’ bag yang throat mo)

E2, after almost 2 yrs, zero p rin aq. “Sila” p rin yta hnggang ngaun. I think d n q pwdng bmlik p s knya. Kc it was like a legend n may ngyring somethn romantic s aming dlwa. Wla kc nkaalam. Sagwa nman if I will open it up ngaun lng.

C “Carrie”, d 1st girl I mentioned,d q mgwang balikan. Ayokong gwing panakip butas ung tao. She doesn’t deserve it. Mnhal q rin ung tao, of course. Pero wla p rin aqng especial n nrrmdman pra knya ngaun. Ng-hope aq n mggng good friends kmi. Kya lng may problema….

Weeks ago,ngkta kmi kc ngptulong syng mgpgwa ng project. After that, we got tym 2 talk. Ngng very cm4tble syang ikwen2 n ngkroon sya ng boyfriends & ok lng s kin un. So I xpected na it’s ok lng s knya f ikwen2 q rin ung about s akin. I told her about “Dianne” then bgla syang nwalan ng gana kumain(nsa Jolibee Balagtas, Bulacan kc kmi nun). Ngpadaplis p. Bumira b nman ng “naranasan mo n b ung, kumakain k,tpos may nreceive kang msamang balita, 4 exmple,nabalitaan mong ung BF mo may ksamng iba?”. Kelangan b tlgang “kumakain” ung gven situation? N-gets q agad. I askd her qng ndsappoint q sya. She agreed. Nku, konsensya q p,problemado p nman ung tao dat tym, sumali p aq. Ngaun, pg ngttxt sya, d q snsgot, wag lng syang umasa kya lng feeling q,ang sma-sama q. D p rin aq happy kc nhhirapan aqng kalimutan c “Dianne” kc mhrap mgpktang pag-iwas s knya(“friends” nga dpat d b?”).

Ngaun, e'to ako't broken hearted. Still tryn' to move on pero sobrang hirap. Taken na kc "Diane" e and she already taken my heart away.

The Day You Said Goodnight

by Hale

Take me as you are

Push me off the road

the sadness, I need this time

to be with you

I'm freezing in the sun

I'm burning in the rain

The silence I'm screaming,

Calling out your name

And i do reside in your heat

that puts up the fire with me and find

Yeah you'll lose the side of your circles

That's what i'll do

if we say goodbye

To be is all i gotta be

And all that i see

And all that i need this time

To me the life you gave me

The day you said goodnight.

The calmness in your face

That I see through the night

The warmth of your light

is pressing unto us

You didn't ask me why

I never would have known

oblivion is falling down

And i do reside in your light

Put out the fire with me and find

Yeah you'll lose the side of your circles

That's what i'll do if we say goodbye

To be is all i gotta be

And all that i see

And all that i need this time

To me the life you gave me

The day you said goodnight.

If you could only know me

like your prayers at night

Then everything between you and me

will be alright.

To be is all i gotta be

And all that i see

And all that i need this time

To me the life you gave me

The day you said goodnight.

She's already taken,

she's already taken

she's already taken me

she's already taken,

she's already taken me

The day you said goodnight